“Chimpmunks Roasting on an open fire…”
One day in late September I heard the first Christmas commercial. Now just a few days before the holiday I can with confidence say I am oh so tired of the Christmas music. There is no escape. Its on TV, on radio,piped into stores, sung by co-workers. Three solid months of snowmen, Santa, freakin’ holiday cheer is more than I care to stomach. I know.. Bah-hum-bug!
The one thing that keeps me from dismantling the speakers at my local stores is my random collection of misheard lyrics of holiday songs. The voices in my mind sing them loudly in defiance of the traditional songs. Here are a few of my favorites. I thought about referencing the original, but after being assaulted with thousands of hours of holiday music over your lifetime they shouldn’t be hard to figure out. Enjoy!
“Joy to the world, the Lord has gum!”
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“Deck the halls with Buddy Holly”
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“… and a poached egg in a pear tree”
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“Barney’s the King of Israel”
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“With a corncob pipe and a bloody nose…”
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“Get dressed ye married gentlemen, Let nothing through this May…”
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“Now bring us some freakin’ pudding…”
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“He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…”
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“Adolf the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…”
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“Honk the herald angel
Glory to the New York King
Peas on earth and then he smiles
Goddamn singers wreck a child
Joyful oily nations rise,
Join the triumph in disguise,
With the jelly toast proclaim
Christ is born of Bethlehem”
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Dashing through the snow
With one horse, soap and sleigh
O’er hills we go, laughing all the way
Bells on Bob’s tail ring
Making spareribs right
Oh what fun it is to write and sing
A slaying song to knives…”
