46 Days until the California Supreme Court announces the decision regarding Proposition8.  Will we will be able to add another star for equality?

What frustrates me the numerous criminals currently held in California prisons that have this right.  I have done my utmost to live an upstanding life (and aside from my gay-walking ticket at a Prop 8 protest in November.) Below is a brief list of people who currently are viewed by the State of California to be worthy of the right of marriage while denying it to me.
Alejandro Avila – rapist & murderer of five-year-old Samantha Runnion.

Lawrence Bittaker – serial killer convicted of torturing and murdering 5 young women.

Vincent Brothers – convicted and sentenced to death in the shooting and stabbing of 5 members of his family, including 3 children.
 
David Carpenter – the “Trailside Killer.”

Kevin Cooper – convicted for the hatchet and knife massacre of the Ryen family.

Tiequon Aundray Cox – sentenced to death in 1986 for the 1984 murders of four relatives of the former defensive back NFL player Kermit Alexander.
 
Richard Allen Davis – convicted of kidnapping and murdering Polly Klaas.

Scott Erskine – convicted of killing Jonathan Sellers, 10, and Charlie Keever, 13.

Richard Farley – convicted of killing seven of his co-workers and nearly killing another, a female co-worker whom he stalked after she rejected him.

Jarvis Jay Masters – convicted and sentenced to death for participating in the murder of prison guard Hal Burchfield.

Michael Morales – convicted for the brutal murder of Terri Winchell.

Charles Ng – serial killer who tortured and murdered 11 people.

Scott Peterson – convicted murderer of his pregnant wife, Laci and their unborn child, Conner.

Richard Ramirez – serial killer known as “The Night Stalker’ convicted of killing 13 people.

Hans Reiser – developer of the ReiserFS filesystem and convicted murderer of his wife.

David Anthony Silva – convicted on muliple counts of home invasion robberies involving torture etc.; in 2007, sentenced to “237 years,
plus 11 consecutive life terms”.

Morris Solomon Jr. – serial killer convicted of murdering 6 women in Sacramento.

Cary Stayner – convicted murderer who killed 4 women in Yosemite.

William Suff – serial killer convicted of murdering 12 women in Riverside County.
 
Marcus Wesson – convicted of killing nine of his family members.
 
David Westerfield – convicted of kidnapping and killing 7 year old Danielle Van Dam.
 
Brandon Wilson – convicted in the 1998 slashing death of 9 year old Matthew Cecchi.

In my dream I am asleep on my stomach when I feel this hand very tenderly, and quite skillfully, providing attention to an area of my anatomy that has been neglected far too long.  Although I am enjoying this to no end a thought crosses my mind if this truly is a woman. The room is dark and I can only feel warm breath on  my neck.  As I try to return the touch I am jokingly rebuked and feel the warm breath on my neck again.  Then I feel the  nipples gently swaying across my back, brushing the skin ever so slightly.  I realize I can feel her moist essence pressed firmly against the back of my thigh. Her hands never stopped. Suddenly her cell phone rings and  she says that she has to leave.  I have no idea who she but she kisses between my shoulder blades and assures me she will see me later that evening.

I get up to take a shower and walk though the house.  The top floor resembles an older Victorian while the downstairs is a small store front.  The business is slim on decor with a sofa, desk and two chairs that could have been pulled form the set of the Brady Bunch.  I am suddenly dressed when a woman I assume is my boss tells me to take some legal documents to the San Francisco office.  I hope on my bike,  yes bike, not motorcycle, and began pedaling from Sacramento to San Francisco.  In no time at  all I am riding on a bike path on a beach in The City.  There is a nigh time cheer-leading competition happening on the beach and I do my utmost not to disturb the event.  I carry my bike from the path up a winding staircase through a rusty metal door.  Inside the door this elderly man is sitting on a broken card table held together with duct tape.  He looks over the documents, stamps them three times and sends me back on my way to Sacramento.

I arrive in Sacramento and there is a heated debate going on in one of the offices.  It is easy to hear volume  but not words through the large comforter dividing the two offices.  One of the women, I assume is a lawyer, tells me to go next door, get her client, and keep him busy until she has time for him.  I go next door and the client is OJ Simpson.  He is rather embarrassed that the attorneys in the dilapidated store front is the only one he can now afford.  We go for a walk where we see in the distance a small street fair.  The music was some bubblegum group from the 50′s.  OJ asks if I would like to dance.  I tell him I don’t know how to dance to which he proceeds to tell me.  He twirls me around and I see cruise ship docked in the ocean with a mascot of  a cartoon orange penguin painted on the side….  That is when my alarm went off.

Any insight or should I have myself committed?

It is with a mixed  sense of pride and shame that I can say I have seen every 181 episodes of that crazy red head. Not to mention all 13 of the Lucy Desi Comedy Hour (not many people remember those).  I have seen all 120 episodes of the George Lopez show,  215 episodes of MASH and 154 episodes of the Gilmore Girls.  Toss in every episode of Survivor 263 and that is an estimated 29 solid days of watching television . Grant it, most of that calculation is cumulative over the 40 years of my life.  Yet it does not take into all the other shows that I have watched or their reruns.   

Just scratching the surface I calculated nearly one entire month of non-stop watching television!

So,  after reading that rant you can probably take a guess as to what my resolution is for this year.  Although I have not resigned myself to tossing out my television just yet I am trying to commit myself to:

1. Watching only DVDs rented from Netflix on their lowest plan so I have only one available at any given time.

2. Allow myself one hour of pre-recorded television on Friday and Saturday (I gots a big crush on the forensic girls from NCIS and Criminal Minds).  Plus pre-recording allows me to speed through all those commercials.

I am not sure how long this resolution will last.  The follow through on things I start has not been one of my strong points.  I will say that this past week I have kinda liked the quiet.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger
P.O. Box 8120
Van Nuys, CA 91409

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24.  The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them
(Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

If you could provide me with some guidance Dr. Laura, I would be eternally grateful.

Regards,

(Insert Your Name Here)

One day in late September I heard the first Christmas commercial.  Now just a few days before the holiday I can with confidence say I am oh so tired of the Christmas music.  There is no escape.  Its on TV, on radio,piped into stores, sung by co-workers. Three solid months of snowmen, Santa,  freakin’ holiday cheer is more than I care to stomach.  I know.. Bah-hum-bug!

The one thing that keeps me from dismantling the speakers at my local stores is my random collection of misheard lyrics of holiday songs.  The voices in my mind sing them loudly in defiance of the traditional songs.  Here are a few of my favorites. I thought about referencing the original, but after being assaulted with thousands of hours of holiday music over your lifetime they shouldn’t be hard to figure out.  Enjoy!

“Joy to the world, the Lord has gum!”
- -
“Deck the halls with Buddy Holly”
- -
“… and a poached egg in a pear tree”
 - -
“Barney’s the King of Israel”
 - -
“With a corncob pipe and a bloody nose…”
- -
“Get dressed ye married gentlemen, Let nothing through this May…”
- -
“Now bring us some freakin’ pudding…”
- -
“He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…”
- -
“Adolf the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…”
- -
“Honk the herald angel
Glory to the New York King
Peas on earth and then he smiles
Goddamn singers wreck a child
Joyful oily nations rise,
Join the triumph in disguise,
With the jelly toast proclaim
Christ is born of Bethlehem”
- -
Dashing through the snow
With one horse, soap and sleigh
O’er hills we go, laughing all the way
Bells on Bob’s tail ring
Making spareribs right
Oh what fun it is to write and sing
A slaying song to knives…”